Walking the fine line of regret

I don't live my life with a lot of regrets. Actually, I don't really have regrets. I like to learn from every situation - good or bad.

What I do is play the "What if" game.

What if I had stayed in Alberta? What if I had more self confidence? What would happen if I actually say what I mean? I categorize these thoughts in the same realm of mother guilt. Totally unproductive thoughts, but I have them just the same.

One of my biggest what ifs is: What would my life be like if I grew up in a family/culture that respected women's bodies and minds?

I grew up in a conservative family and spent most of my years growing up around three older brothers. Just because of this fact, I didn't have much exposure to feminine things. Then, somewhere along the line, I got it in my head that I should be ashamed of my body. I was, to say the least, very well endowed and ended up having breast reduction surgery when I was 17 years old. At this point I was more than convinced I would never have a baby. Why in the world would people still have babies, I thought. They are so much work, they are gross, they ruin your body... and the list went on.

Fast forward nine years later and you will find that I am over the moon happy with my baby girl. As a side note, I also thought nursing was a gross and demoralizing job. Pretty sure I told my Mom when I was applying for post-secondary and my Mom suggested nursing, "Gross, why would anyone want to become a nurse?" Clearly, things have changed. I believe for the better. Though I have to tell you, it hasn't been an easy road.

Physically, things went really well considering the work/stress my body was now under supporting my little bean's newly developing life. Mentally, I was a train wreck. I knew that Baby Daddy wanted a baby, but I figured after more than a few months of being very unprotected that having a baby wasn't in our cards. Honestly, I was a little sad for Baby Daddy, but I had so many ideas for my life that I wasn't too phased. I think because of this attitude it's no surprise that I would forget for periods of time that I was pregnant and refuse a drink "because I didn't feel like one... oh yeah, and because I'm pregnant". It was always in the back of my mind, never the front. Yes, this even happened when I was visibly pregnant! I could talk with people at length about my pregnancy when I finally broke the news, but God forbid that I could come to terms with what was going to be coming out of my vagina. Yes, I said vagina and yes, my baby came out of my vagina. You came out of your mother's vagina (or very close) too! It stretches (that's what's supposed to happen) and then it goes back to it's normal shape, shocking. Then breastfeeding, well, I was so ashamed about breastfeeding in front of anyone that I almost had an anxiety attack when I allowed one of my best friends to come and sit and talk with me without having a cover over top. Not surprisingly, I only breastfed until my little bean was 4 months old. Despite having a breast reduction, it is still very possible to breastfeed. I had milk, but not enough so, I did have a lot of challenges to overcome physically too.

Like I said, I don't regret getting a breast reduction, but I do from time to time wonder what my life could have been like under different circumstances. This is where my what ifs come into play, then leading me into the path of endless other questions: What if we lived in a society or I grew up in a family that was okay with female form? Would I have felt the need to get a breast reduction? What if I had been surrounded with positive examples of women breastfeeding and birthing their babies? Why do we shun these women? Why is it okay to watch strippers, but it's weird and uncommon to watch a woman give birth and/or breastfeed her baby? Why do women judge other women so harshly when they don't meet the expectations of what they say is the right way for other women to raise their kids? Why did it feel like I was cramming for an exam and that I had missed on all the classes when it came time to learn all the information before I had my baby?

I'm not really sure if many other women feel this way, but from all the stories that I have since read online, I think a lot of women are unsatisfied or just uninformed about how babies can be born naturally. I mean, it's one thing to say that "Breast is Best" or that "Breastmilk is liquid gold", thanks public health, but I'll need a little more support than that to have a successful breastfeeding relationship with my baby. I think I needed support a long time ago when I was convinced that I would never have a baby in the first place because I thought babies were "gross".

I was convinced that I was going to have a boy before I found out I was having a girl. I think I had serious fears of what it would be like for my girl to grow up in this society, but I have since come around to love the fact that I have a little girl. This is because I hope to use my knowledge to help her grow up to be more knowledgeable about the things I had little information about. I also hope to have the chance to guide her through the maze of information about perinatal issues and be there for the birth of her children before, during and after.

What if one day society joins me in this way of thinking?

Until next time,
Karlily

P.S. I know PHNs are not responsible for my lack of knowledge, I am just pointing out a big gap in time where this taboo subject matter should be taught IMHO.

What's your number?

Hi everyone!

It's been a while, I know, but I have been super busy with writing a paper on the childbearing experience of teratogens from a nursing perspective and then spent a week in Alberta helping with the wedding for my brother and new sister-in-law (Yay, new family!). Proud to say that I actually finished their cake even though I thought I'd have plenty of time with people all around my Mom's house, but instead baby and I were alone most of the week and as their house isn't baby-proofed, so I had to be around the little bean 24/7 (We may or may not have had an incident where she crawled off the bed and bumped her head, ouch!). Anyway, here is a picture for those of you that aren't friends with me on Facebook (of the cake that is!):

So, what's this about numbers? I came across this site yesterday called Skin Deep. I'm pretty sure I had been shown it a few years back, if not the same one, it was very similar. I like to think that the products I use on the baby are relatively safe as far as products come. But the first thing I searched was the baby shampoo/body wash. While I have been told that Burt's Bees is now owned by Revlon, I like to think that it's still a relatively safe formula. I took some pictures yesterday and categorized them into what I use, the baby uses and what I used to use. I thought it would be interesting to see what the numbers are for what products I used to use and what I believe to be better and what the toxic number are. So, I'll begin with the baby stuff:

 

Detergents and medication aren't actually listed on the Skin Deep site (I did assume that since I wash diapers with these detergents and they touch babies skin it might be on there!), but here is a list of all the other products:

• Burt's Bees Baby Bee Buttermilk Lotion received a 6. According to the site, this is one point away from being dangerously toxic. Yikes!
• Burt's Bees Baby Bee Shampoo & Wash - Tear Free this received a 4 which is better, but still not in the low exposure zone. Apparently Burt's Bees Baby Bee Shampoo & Wash - Fragrance Free is a much better bet with a toxic level of 1. I will definitely be looking out for this next time.
• Sensodyne Pronamel for Children, Gentle Mint received a 6. Again, not great, but if you click on the link, it's biggest factor is that it has fluoride. I'm still a bit in the dark about the dangers of fluoride as it's a big factor in cavity prevention. 
• Pampers Kandoo Flushable Wipes, Sensitive received a 3! Finally, a good choice that I made, most of the other wipes received a 6 from what looks like scents. Though I only use these on the road as they are disposable.
• Finally, nothing on the thirsties baby wipe solution. I feel okay because I only use that when baby's bum is extra smelly and I use reusable washcloths.

Total score of products I use on baby = 4.75/10

This puts me in the category of exposing my baby to a moderate amount of chemicals in the few products I use for her. Yikes!

Okay, this picture represents what I used to use and we'll see if my score has gone down by me using less products with the knowledge of what I assume to be healthier because of advertising and packaging.

Products:

• John Frieda Frizz-Ease Secret Weapon Flawless Finishing Cream, Step 5: Finish & Shine 5
• TRESemme Smooth & Silky Shampoo 6
• TRESemme Smooth & Silky Conditioner 5
• Aveeno Ultra-calming Foaming Cleanser 4
• Pantene Pro-V Classic Care Conditioner 6
• Vaseline Aloe Fresh Hydrating Body Lotion with Aloe & Cucumber 7
• The Body Shop Seaweed Purifying Facial Wash 6
• Adidas Deodorant isn't on the site :(
• CoverGirl TruBlend Naturally Luminous Loose Powder, Translucent Fair 6
• The John Frieda hair smoother isn't on there, but similar products are 6, so I'm going with 6
• Loreal True Match Super-Blendable Liquid Makeup, Neutral Buff Beige  4
• CoverGirl Smoothers All Day Hydrating Liquid Make-Up Foundation, Creamy Natural 720 5
• Almay One Coat Nourishing Mascara, Triple Effect, Blackest Black 5
• Annabelle eye liner is not listed
• Body Shop Cellulite Serum is not listed (I'm kinda worried as to what it's number would be...)
• Clear Care contact lens solution isn't listed either
• L'Oréal Eyeshadow Single, Perle, Golden Sunset 820 7 
• Colgate Total Toothpaste Clean Mint 6

My total =  5.58/10

I thought my number would actually be a lot higher. Though it might be as I used to use a lot of nail polish, lots of other makeup, glittery hairspray, etc. Thinking about it, this number isn't much higher than the baby's.

Okay, so this is the majority of the products I use now. I have obviously cut out a lot, (the deodorant I use isn't listed, but I also use the Baby Daddy concoction of vodka or rum with essential oils [naturally antibacterial and actually works great for daily use - not for exercising though]). Here goes my new smaller list of products:

• TRESemme Smooth & Silky Shampoo 6 though I generally use Live Clean (which isn't on the site)
• Burt's Bees Fabulously Fresh Peppermint & Rosemary Body Wash 4 (I find this drying somewhat)
• CoverGirl Smoothers All Day Hydrating Liquid Make-Up Foundation, Creamy Natural 720 5
• Almay One Coat Nourishing Mascara, Triple Effect, Blackest Black 5
• CoverGirl TruBlend Naturally Luminous Loose Powder, Translucent Fair 6  
• MELALEUCA ALTERNIFOLIA (TEA TREE) 0
• COCO-GLUCOSIDE aka coconut oil 0
• My facewash is grapeseed oil aka VITIS VINIFERA (GRAPE) SEED OIL and castor oil aka SAPONIFIED CASTOR OIL , both 0
• Colgate Total Toothpaste Clean Mint 6

My total number = 3.56/10

Wow!! I am actually amazed at this number difference and now I am feeling disappointed that my little baby's is more than a full point higher. I am thinking I have a lot of changes to make, especially for my little girl.

How about you? Are you wondering how toxic the products are that you use on yourself or a loved one? I'd be glad to hear about anyone else's experience with this site and your toxic skin care number is. Maybe we can start a mini revolution to decrease our toxic Skin Deep levels, what say you?!

Until next time,

Karlily

PS. I promised my friends on Facebook about writing about medical waste and it's half way done, just bear with me! It's actually harder to transition a paper from a specific topic and style to an informal blog style that people will want to read. Anyway, I'm working on it!

Interlude with Food

Hi Folks!

I have written about half my post for this week, but as I'm in the middle of writing a paper about teratogens for my NICU course, I am going quite slow. Not to mention that I am broaching a large topic that has no beginning and no end, so I am trying to piece it together in a way that makes sense, if I can.

Anyway, thought I'd send you guys some love in the form of food. Warning: This is not low fat. Lots of butter (Julia Child swears by butter and so does Baby Daddy, that must mean it's good, right?!) and lime. A couple of this planet's greatest flavours. And for my friend who was just diagnosed with gestational diabetes, this is full of all the right stuff you are allowed to indulge in (while there's still room!).  While this is allowed on mine and Baby Daddy's vegetarian diet, it's not strictly vegetarian (though I know most of you aren't).

Here's the recipe.

Enjoy, my friends!

Karlily